Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Flash Fiction- The Empty Fake Cake Caper

Pervis Moore didn't like guns; however his job almost required one. He'd tried stick-up's with; a bat, a ax and even a grass whip all too less than ideal results. Guns were the easiest way to go when holding people up. He reminded himself of this while looking over the sights of the .38 he was holding up the Cake Walk with.

The woman he was pointing the gun at glared at him, and handed over the cardboard wedding cake cash box anyway. It held $1200 give or take.
"Don't scream," Pervis collected the fake cake under an arm and bolted. A boxed Honey Lemon glazed bunt cake he had won waited in the car.

On the road, Pervis pulled the cash from the fake cake pushing the bills into a cargo pocket on his shorts. He opened the window and sent the fake cake into the roadway, watching as it landed in the road way, spinning like a top before coming to rest on the double yellow line. His money bone sated, his stomach started to rumble.

The Lemon Honey Cake called him from the box on the passenger seat. The box stated that it once held an air filter for a 1997 Dodge Pick-Up. It was shut with a twist of string. Pervis fought with the string one handed trying to pull it from the corners of the box before noticing the bunny ears. He gave a loose end a yank. The string fell around the box and the top popped open.

The Cake was nestled in side, shining with sticky glaze over top a deep brown crust. What to cut it with? Casting around the car Pervis discovered a tine less spork in a door pocket. He used the edge to make a ragged incision in the cake, followed by a second. He looked down for just a moment to pull free the just cut piece, only to be interrupted by the blaring of a car horn.

Pervis spun the steering wheel and felt the car jolt off the road. Slamming his foot down on the break, the car came to a halt knocking over a rotting fence post. The hood popped open. Pervis waited a beat then the air bag deployed knocking him into a daze.

Haile Dixon and David Conner had been enjoying the afternoon drive. Looking forward to their arrival at the cake walk. Haile's grandfather had been raised locally and the family home had become a tourist stop. The late Jet Dixon had made a name on TV, first as a cowboy, then a Cop through the 70s.

Seeing a car in their lane, Dave hit the horn. The other car swerved off the road, hitting the fence post before stopping. Dave pulled over and they watched as the air bag deployed.

"You OK?" Haile asked. She was standing at the window as Pervis came back into focus.

Pervis looked up in a daze at Haile and smiled. His mind told him there was a modelesque young woman, tall and lean, good cheek bones, no curves-- Pervis liked curves, standing next to him.
"Do you need some cake, angel?" He asked "Do I know you?"
"An ambulance is on the way, don't move, you are going to be ok," Dave snapped his cell phone shut. Pervis looked from the angel to the middle aged man who appeared next to her.

Ambulance, wait cops would show up also, they always wanted to be in the middle of this stuff Pervis thought.
"Am I dead?" he asked,
Haile laughed "No silly, you've just been in an accident"
The air bag deflated, and he felt free. Pervis unbuckled his seat belt, and pulled himself from the car. Unsteady on his feet he took a moment. Something was digging into his ribs-- the gun.
"Thank you-- aren't you?" he started.
Haile blushed, "yeah,"
"Dave Conner, from The Post Riders?" Pervis like a lot of other had seen it on DVD where it had become a hit mostly due to the odd ball Cowboy Fence and Home Repair Theme. It hadn't lasted long, but the 9 1/2 episodes that had been produced were strangely watchable.
"Yep, I was on that one" Dave said with a smile.

Sirens sounded in the distance.
Pervis started to panic; he needed to get out of there. He started to sweat and go pale.
"I think he's in shock--" Haile started

the gun came out; Pervis didn't know exactly how or why, it just did. He leveled it at Dave.
"I need your Ca..." Pervis started.

There was a blur of motion and suddenly the gun wasn't in his hand, he was on his knees and Dave had his hand in a painful hold that was pressing him into the asphalt.

"You ok Haile?" Dave asked
"Yeah, wow this thing is a piece of shit," She expertly opened the revolvers cylinder "there aren't any bullets," She pointed the gun into the ditch she squeezed the trigger just a little.
"Major trigger creep, the cylinder is out of time."
"Where did you learn all of that?" Pervis panted
"Making a action movie." the siren arrived and stopped. Haile put the gun on the ground and stepped back as the officers stepped from their car.

"Afternoon officers, this belongs to that gun," Conner nodded to the gun on the asphalt.
"Dave Conner?" the older officer asked.
"Yep, can I have some handcuffs?" the younger officer looked to his partner and received a nod in return. The older officer picked up the gun and smiled at Haile.

Dave cuffed Pervis expertly and let the younger officer pull him to his feet.
"Say you folks know anything about card board wedding cake in the middle of the road a ways back?" the younger officer asked "that's mine," Pervis said as he was led to the patrol car.

982 Words 4 June 2009 Copyright Eric Peterson

5 comments:

pattinase (abbott) said...

Eating a cake while driving will get you every time. That and a good-looking woman who's an action hero. And a grass whip is a new one on me.

Dana King said...

Pervis has Elmore Leonard potential. Criminally dumb. Good story. The first and last paragraphs hook you in and tie it off just right.

Iren said...

Thank you Thank you- I was going for more Donald Westlake than Richard Stark with this one. There is something about clueless criminals that enjoy.

r2 said...

Funny ending. Great story. Nice work.

Paul Brazill said...

Great caper that! Would make a good tv series. Who would you cast as Pervis, though?